So at 1:30am last night, as I juggled squirming, squealing, voracious and sleepless twinfants, a thought occurred to me: perhaps there's an organic solution to the newborn sleep deprivation problem (and by organic, I don't mean throwing your infant to the wolves and allowing nature to take its course). One that blends America's greatest cultural traditions with state-of-the-art infant feeding technologies. One that is both socially and environmentally conscientious; rich in nutrition; and highly marketable to today's progressive young parents.
Follow my logic, if you will:
1. "Sleeping like a baby" is a cruel myth. (Yes, yes... I know: some people are lucky enough to have infants that eat, burp, then sleep soundly for several hours until their next feeding. These people suck. My own personal experience - and I presume I'm not alone in this - is that the only humans that actually sleep like a baby are those far removed from any and all actual babies. This is not only a reflection of my current twin horror: kid #1 (the now toddler-aged Hurricane) NEVER SLEPT. One of the last movies my wife and I saw before the Hurricane was born was "The Ring" -- phrases and scenes from which kept bouncing around my head for months and months afterward as we struggled through his infanthood... in particular, the haunting way in which Bryan Cox tried to describe the evil that was his daughter by simply saying "she never sleeps." Of course, his kid came back from the dead and killed loads of people via the magic of videotape, whereas ours restrained himself to the more common practice of screaming and spitting up, 24/7. But had the Hurricane been a girl... I think we woulda renamed him Samara.
Sorry. Did I have a point here?)
2. Infants gotta eat, right? (I feel pretty confident in making this assumption. Granted, I'm no medical professional... but most of the literature I've seen seems pretty strong in endorsing the feeding of infants.)
3. Thanksgiving happens every year. (I feel pretty confident in this assumption, as well. I could probably do more research on the topic, but I personally can't remember a year in which there wasn't a Thanksgiving.)
4. Thanksgiving means turkeys. (Unless you're a vegetarian, in which case it means tofurkey. But let's pretend for a minute that the deviant vegetarian lifestyle is not a concern.)
5. Turkeys are chock-full-of-tryptophan. (Tryptophan, as I'm sure you'll recall, is an amino acid that helps the body produce naicin, which in turn helps the body produce the neurotransmitter seratonin... which plays a key role as a calming agent and in HELPING YOU SLEEP. When people say that eating a Thanksgiving turkey makes you sleepy, they're talkin' tryptophan. Studies now suggest that tryptophan may not be as potent as people think... but I like to pretend those studies don't exist.)
6. There's ALWAYS leftover turkey. (Okay, so everyone eats a lot of leftover turkey (and stuffing, and mashed potatoes, and everything else) in the days following Thanksgiving... but there's always some small percentage of the turkey that goes uneaten. Maybe it's the dark meat... maybe it's a part that's a little-too-pink for comfort... but there's always something left.)
7. There are a LOT of turkey carcasses out there. (Let's do a little rough math: assume there are 270 million people in the US. Assume that every Thanksgiving gathering averages 8 people to a turkey. Even if, for some reason, 1/3 of all Americans aren't having turkey on Thanksgiving... that's still something like 22 million turkeys.)
8. That means a lot of free-floating tryptophan, just waiting to be used properly. (You're starting to see where this is going now, aren't you?)
9. Recycling works. (I've seen this written somethere, and therefore presume it's true. If we can recycle bottles, cans, newspaper and cardboard... why not the tryptophan in turkeys?)
10. Food technology is sophisticated. (Basically, American manufacturers can do just about anything they please. They can turn cheese into a substance that sprays out of a can. They can develop 75 different formulas for Coke. They can turn cucumbers into pickles, and grapes into raisins. For science-impaired individuals like me... this is all basically magic.)
11. THE CONCLUSION: America's food technology leaders need to find some way to recycle all this Thanksgiving tryptophan and incorporate it into nutritious infant formula, thereby creating a product that both feeds our infants... and makes them immediately sleepy thereafter, without any of the pesky side-effects of, say, opiates.
12. THE PRODUCT: TryptoLac - Full Baby + Sleeping Baby = Happy Baby
Tell me you wouldn't buy this if you saw it in the store. Tell me that Whole Foods couldn't market this as some kind of organic baby chow breakthrough, and wouldn't reap monster profits as a result. Tell me that there's not a huge demographic out there of people just like me, desperate for some way to make "sleeping like a baby" something more than the biggest, cruelest lie in the history of mankind.