TwoBusy: Top Ten Reasons You're Better Off With A Blue Exoskeleton

July 13, 2011

Top Ten Reasons You're Better Off With A Blue Exoskeleton

10. Carte blanche to channel your inner Morrissey as you warble: "Blue is what I wear on the outside, because blue is how I feel on the inside."

9. It's fashion-forward. Blue is the new blue.

8. Keeps all the squishy stuff on the inside, where it's supposed to be. Blood, sinew, joy, compassion... all these things belong safely hidden behind a fashionable exoskeleton.

7. D'you know why red lobsters are red? Because they don't respect the sun. Blues, on the other hand, are genetically U/V resistant. It's an evolutionary advantage. Go ahead, reds. Naturally select yourself right outta the food chain.

6. Protection against those who would call you mean names, like "bottom-feeder" or "nasty-ass spider of the ocean floor." We prefer to be called Arthropod-Americans, if you don't mind.

5. Red = communist. Just sayin'.

4. It's a mark of discinction. You've had people say "you're one in a million?" Phbbbtttttt. Blue lobsters are 1 in 5 million, bzzntch. So while you're not a complete evolutionary freak (like those 1-in-30-million yellow lobsters)... as a blue, you're in rare company. It's almost like belonging to Mensa, except for that whole "being smart" thing.

3. Being blue makes it that much harder for them to see you at night, when your claws come out and you're all hunting and skulking and whatnot. That's some serious ninja shit, right there.

2. Blue sky. Blue water. Bleu cheese. Feeling the blues. Deep blue hero stuff. Blueberries. Blue Öyster Cult. The Blue Nile. Trembling Blue Stars. Blues is King. Blue and Grey Shirt. Copper Blue. Blue diamonds. Ol' blue eyes. If it's the stuff of wonder and magic... chances are, it's blue.

1. When destiny arrives and some proto-mutant dino-gator-shark-bear thing finally sinks its teeth into you... do you want to leave to the weak and surrendering sounds of flesh, or the satisfying, defiant crunch of YOUR! BLUE! EXOSKELETON! FIGHTING! TO! THE! LAST!?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

::drops mic; walks offstage::

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