As some of you may be aware, last week - in the midst of our summer vacation - we made a special trip up to the great green wilderness of way wicked northern Vermont to visit The Jonniker. Some of you may even have read her deeply skewed take on the same. But, as everyone knows... bloggers lie. They are fundamentally incapable of telling the truth about an encounter with one another, for fear of backlash and recriminations that may ultimate reverberate across the entirety of the interweb.
I find this unacceptable. And as such, I'm going to take the bold stance of standing up against this tyranny of half-truths and blatant lies and doing something unprecedented: telling you the truth. Why? Because you, gentle reader, deserve nothing less... and because the world deserves to know the real story of Jonniker: Behind The
One of the more sleek and stylish restaurants in cosmopolitan northern Vermont. It is a swelteringly hot and humid Wednesday afternoon in early August, and a
large unruly unkempt revolting charming family of travellers has made their way north through treacherous mountain passes, over the rivers and across hill and dale to this Shangri-La of the Green Mountains for a single reason: to meet and dine with the Dalai Lama of blogging. The Jonniker. Their cheeks are rosy and their eyes wide and eager in anticipation.
- TheWife - a lovely, tall brunette who has spent hours preparing for this pilgrimage, this meeting, this opportunity of a lifetime
- TheHurricane - a six-year old boy. Staggeringly handsome (he clearly takes after his father).
- The Twins - two four-year old girls, adorable little pixies overflowing with mischief and love
- TwoBusy - Man. Myth. Legend. Has awesome hair.
- The Jonniker - Beloved online idol of millions
- The Babyker - Beautiful infant daughter of Jonniker
(scene opens in the restaurant, as the TwoBusy family seats themselves at a riverside table)
TwoBusy: Are we all comfortable? Children - sweet, beloved children; treasured jewels of my life - are you pleased with the setting? The river is beautiful in its fury, is it not?
The Twins: Oh, father. We care not for the beauty of nature, nor for the gentle flavors of food in the air. We are instead atremble with anticipation for the arrival of The Jonniker.
TheWife: Ah ha ha ha! (her laughter sounds like peals of little bells) What delights you are, my daughters. How you will charm her with the purity of your ardor.
TheHurricane: Mommy? Can I have a lemonade?
TheWife: Of course. Nothing satisfies like the collision of the bitter and the sweet. Let us order, and watch as thick warmth of the air condenses on the glass' edge and rolls slowly down the side, like the tears of some forgotten god.
Children (together): Hooray! Lemonade!
TheWife: I hope she will be pleased with us, husband. Your hair looks awesome, by the way.
TwoBusy: It does indeed. And I hope for the same, with all the strength and will and passion and belief that my weak heart is capable of generating.
(the TwoBusy family sits in silence for a moment, contemplating the enormity of what is about to take place, listening to the rush of the river at their side, waiting for the lemonade to arrive.)
TwoBusy: Look! What light through yonder doorway breaks! 'Tis The Jonniker, the morning sun!
(Jonniker enters, carrying The Babyker in her car seat)
Jonniker: You must be TwoBusy. I knew it the moment I walked in, because you are by far the most handsome person in the state of Vermont. Also, because of the awesomeness of your hair. And you must be TheWife! And TheOffspring!
(The TwoBusy family is aglow with this sudden and unexpected recognition, like fireflies luminous with pride and love. They are rendered speechless as a result, and are helpless to do much other than smile with endless warmth and gratitude in response. Each one feels a temptation to leap from his or her chair and to embrace The Jonniker - so great is the magnetic pull she exerts - but holds back, for fear of coming too close to the sun and seeing their wings of hope wither and melt beneath all that radiant heat and energy... leaving only the long, lonely plunge back to a cold and unforgiving earth.)
Jonniker: I hope you will forgive me for being a little late. I was temporarily delayed when I ran down a young mother and the stroller-bound infant she was pushing through a crosswalk. Twice.
TheWife (suddenly sparking to conversational life): Of course, of course. We understand completely.
TwoBusy: Sometimes you have to back up, to make sure you got the job done.
Jonniker: Don't get snarky, jackass. (She snaps her fingers for a waitress.) Hey! Here! Hungry woman with baby! Serve me!
Waitress: Can I help you?
Jonniker: You can start by shutting the fuck up. Then you can bring me a beer and a plate of ribs. And fast!
Jonniker (shaking head): I don't know what the fuck is wrong with these bumpkins.
TheTwins: Mommy, what did she just say?
TheWife: She was talking about pumpkins, my sweets.
TheTwins: Punkins! Like Hallowe'en!
TheHurricane: Mommy, can I be Mr. Incredible for Hallowe'en?
Jonniker: Your children talk too much. (picks up spoon) Be quiet, boy. (pokes him in the eye with spoon)
TheWife: Hush, little one. The Jonniker knows what's best. Learn from this lesson, and learn well.
(Waitress enters, delivers beer to Jonniker and lemonades to children, then leaves wordlessly)
Jonniker: Hey, lemonade. That's a great idea. It's fucking hot today. (grabs TheHurricane's lemonade) D'you mind? Just kidding. I don't care. (lifts glass to her lips, then throws it all back in a single, gargantuan gulp) Man, that hits the spot. (reaches over, and grabs both of TheTwins' glasses) Don't mind if I do. (lifts each glass to her lips and downs the contents in a single gulp, then throws empty glasses into the river)
TwoBusy: Would you care for more?
Jonniker: (erupts with massive, earth-shaking burp. Across the river, trees sway in the resulting warm, lemon-scented breeze)
TheTwins: Mommy, was that you?
Jonniker: (picks up beer, and downs the entire pint in a single gulp) Now where the fuck are my ribs?
Jonniker: (reaches under Babyker's well-padded thighs and pulls out a large cigar) This is something we can all enjoy.
TheWife: Um... if you wouldn't mind...
Jonniker: (pulls a match out of her pocket, then scratches it across TheWife's forehead to spark it to flame) There we go. (applies match to end of the cigar, and begins to puff vigorously)
TheWife: (grasping forehead in pain) Oh my god. I can't believe how much that hurt. (despite her best efforts, she begins to weep quietly)
TwoBusy: (trying to regain some sense of normalcy) So... uh... how do you like living here?
Jonniker: (staring disdainfully at TheWife) Your woman is getting on my nerves, dude. (she snaps her fingers angrily) Ribs! Now!
TwoBusy: I'm so glad we finally got to meet.
Jonniker: (turns disdainful stare at TwoBusy and looks at him without speaking, then reaches over and ashes into Babyker's car seat)
Babyker: (giggles and coos)
TwoBusy: We certainly are enjoying our vacation here.
Jonniker: (rolling eyes) Jesus fuck. I told my husband this was going to be a waste of my time.
TheWife: We're sorry... is there anythi-
Jonniker: (interrupting) Shut up. (using cigar as a pointer, indicating each member of the TwoBusy family in turn) You know what? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you.
(enter Waitress, carrying large plate of ribs)
Jonniker: (abruptly stands and knocks the plate of ribs out of Waitress' hands. Roasted meat flies across the room like barbequed butterflies) I'm out of here. Enjoy your lunch!
Jonniker: (grabs Babyker's car seat and leaves, howling with laughter)