XXXish

TheWife turned 30something earlier this week. We celebrated with a festival of steak and red wine - as is her inclination - as well as a shower of modest gifts, including a couple of recommendations from imaginary friends (who'd better be right if they know what's good for them).

Anyhow. In recognition of her advancing years... I present 30something reasons to rejoice in TheWife.

1. I don't have a single male friend who doesn't think that I married up.

2. She is totally The Man at her job.

3. Two weeks ago, I had to explain to her what a MILF is.

4. She enjoys watching The Biggest Loser while eating ice cream. (The irony makes the coffee almond fudge that much sweeter, apparently.)

5. When she was a child, her parents used to pull her out of school to go mining. Seriously.

6. Her first name doesn't fit her at all. It's an antiquated name -- the kind you'd associate with a great aunt or a lunch lady.

7. Which means that when people hear her name, they have a mental image that's completely blown out of the water the first time they meet her.

8. Which is what happened to me.

9. Want to reduce her to helpless tears? Show her somebody walking into a plate glass door, or unexpectedly tripping over their own feet. She's a sucker for slapstick.

10. She has an unerring gift in that she always gravitates toward the most expensive item in any store. It doesn't matter if no prices are posted -- she'll find and declare lovely the subtle crown jewel of their wares. She says it's an indication of good taste; I prefer to think that she's possessed by malevolent spirits.

11. When she planned our wedding - and make no mistake, she planned just about all of it herself - she decided that dancing wasn't important. Hence: we had a string quartet. Which turned our reception into less of a goofy party and more into a low-key, enjoyable afternoon with friends and family. And blueberry beer.

12. The first time I told her I loved her, it was because I misheard something she said and mistakenly thought she'd just said that she loved me. (Oops.)

13. Fortunately, it turned out that she did.

14. We got engaged on top of a mountain. We hiked up, and after we summited we spent a few minutes looking out over the forest and water. Then I told her that I'd brought along a little something special for her, and to grab it out of the front pocket of my backpack. She reached in and pulled out a plastic baggie. "Gummy bears! Good call," she said. "Uh... that's not what I meant. Try again." She so reached in again, and this time pulled out a small box. Which had a ring inside.

15. She doesn't mind that I refer to this as "the time I propositioned her."

16. Back in olden times - before TheWife was even TheGirlfriend - I dragged a friend (in fact, one of the friends I'll be seeing in DC this weekend) to enjoy her flautist skillz in action. My friend and I spent the entire concert talking about TheGirlWhoWouldBecomeTheGirlfriend and strategies that I might enact to land her like a marlin. After the concert, she made her way back into the audience, and I got all excited thinking she was coming to see me. Nope: it turned out the white-haired old dude who had been sitting in the row in front of us the entire time was... wait for it... her father.

Yup. I really am that smooth.

17. She's really, honestly, truly excited that her big birthday gift is two sweet tickets to a Sox matinee game next month (as well as the accompanying day of hooky from work and lunch somewhere in the Back Bay). And I'm really, honestly, truly grateful that I've got a girl who's capable of appreciating that.

18. You know how some women get all "I'm aglow with new life and overflowing with love" when pregnant? Not TheWife. She wasn't miserable... she just didn't enjoy the whole pregnancy thing. Which I can totally respect.

19. Speaking of which: she rocked her way through not one but two - count 'em, two - rounds of modified bedrest while knocked up. In (relative) good humor.

(Thank you, Netflix.)

20. . I married a brunette. Then she started getting kind of... stripey. Then she got blonde. Then she got really blonde. Then I reminded her that I married a brunette. Now, a year and a half later, she's back in (brownish) black.

21. When we decided to move to west coast, she wanted to move to San Francisco; I wanted Seattle or Portland.

She won.

22. When, four years later, I wanted to move back to Boston... she let me win.

23. When we first moved to San Francisco - during the depths of the first Bush's recession - I struggled to find work. I ended up temping for more than a year before I found a full-time job. She was never less than completely supportive.

24. This was somewhat facilitated by the fact that when we first moved to San Francisco, she - at age 24 - was given the opportunity to open a new SF office by her Boston employer, who very quickly recognized her superstar qualities. She spent a year alone in an office suite, handling clients and building business, and eventually planted a stake in the ground for what is now the huge SF office of a huge national communications agency.

25. She left for the corporate side a couple of years later. Where she continued to rise and rise. I honestly don't understand half of what she's talking about when she talks about her job... but it's clear that she is terrifyingly good at it.

26. She looks great in a black dress.

27. She also looks great in a fleece vest and jeans. (Yes, we live in New England.)

28. She finds a sense of humor attractive.

29. She's kind to children and small animals, whether they deserve it or not.

30. Of all the wedding gifts we received, I think her favorite came from my best man (whom I'm staying with in DC this weekend), who gave us 5th row tickets to a Jazz/Celtics game. Given that this was in '99, that meant my best man's gift was the opportunity for my wife to spend close to 3 hours ogling Karl Malone up close.

31. I still can't believe she went out with me in the first place.

32. She looks prettier without makeup.

33. She sleeps with her head under her pillow.

34. Her car has a 6-CD changer, but she tends to focus on one thing that she loves -- listening to it over and over and over again. Right now, she's beating this into the ground.

35. I just realized that next week marks 15 years since we first starting being an "us."

36. That first night involved a moonlit drive, a beautiful, placid lake, and the sudden appearance of a lot of dead fish.

37. I was a lucky bastard to be with her then. And I'm a lucky bastard to be with her now.

Comments

[Karen]

NICE!

Re #11, I also went for a non-dancing wedding (and NO mike anywhere in sight), although a hora did break out at one point, and I can't really blame my mom and grandma too much for that.

[Xdm]

Happy Birthday..um.. Gladys! It's always good to tell someone "I love you" right after they say they want to "Shove you."

[Karen]

Oh, and re #6? I used to work with a guy whose wife's name was Hester. And she wasn't 99 years old either.

[Mark]

Woo-hoo for we who married flautistseses! Hope you learned to tread lightly around "flute-playing" jokes a lot quicker than I did.

And happy b'day to... Leonora?

[claire]

Happy Birthday, uh... Bertha! (Though, you didn't say a FAT cafeteria lady, i'm going with it).
TheWife sounds like an incredible person that you are very lucky to have found. #14 totally made me laugh. That is too cute.

[Pam]

I had to explain #3 to my husband. Sad, sad, sad. But hey, LUCKY YOU!
And Happy Birthday, Clara!!

[foradifferentkindofgirl]

Ha! A couple weeks, I, too, had to explain to a guy what a MILF was! I just assumed all men were born knowing this kind of information!

Happy birthday to your wife. This alone would have been a great gift, but you did well in all respects.

[above average joe]

Great post. Happy Birthday.

Does she have a sister?

[jonniker]

Happy belated to TheWife! And uh, I hope I'm right! I do! (I think I am -- even if you dislike the topic, she's an undeniably great writer.)

"Gummy bears! Good call ..."

HAAA. I love that. I'd have done the same.

[jonniker]

Also, Clara is an old woman's name? I like that name.

Gertrude. Now THAT is an old-fashioned name.

(Does she have a nickname to compensate for old-school name?)

[Pam]

I LOVE the name Clara! The only person I know with that name is a bright, sparkly 16 year old who was named after her great-grandmother. I guess that's why I think of it as an old-fashioned name.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

This is one of the sweetest posts I have ever read.

[TwoBusy]

Karen: We're not really dancing types, so it fit our personalities perfectly. And really, nobody missed it at all -- they were too busy gorging on wild blueberry-infused foodstuffs.

Xdm: Am I the only one with Soul Asylum suddenly running through my head: "And Iiiiii... want somebody to shooove... I need somebody to shoooove... I want somebody to shove meeeee...."

Mark: I never tire of being married to a skilled flautist.

Claire: Bertha... jeezus. No, not a Bertha. I'm not sure that even true love could have overcome that name.

Pam/Kind of Girl: I guess the cultural ubiquity of MILF only goes so far.

AAJ: Two sisters, but both married. I'll give you a heads-up if that changes.

Jonniker: Yeah, the proposition was nothing if not first class. Gummy bears... diamond rings... both of us wiping sweaty sunblock out of our eyes... such are the making of great romance.

Sarah/GSS: Kind of you to say. Tragically, I blew it by following up with a post featuring graphic design porn. Which, actually, is not an entirely inappropriate portrait of day-to-day life with me.