TwoBusy

May you live in interesting times

This is a colorful time for your Boston Red Sox, past and present. Looking back, you've got former Sox poster boy/Dan Shaughnessy object of scorn Nomar Garciaparra, who just had twins with international superstar soccer mom Mia Hamm. This puts him in the company of Kevin Millar and many other sad bastards - some of them not even highly-paid professional baseball players - who've entered the brave, beautiful and ultimately horrifying world of twin parenthood.

On a slightly different note, former Sox relief pitcher Uggie Urbina made the interesting move of leaving behind a lucrative career as an All-Star closer to become a 14-year guest of the Venezuelan penal system. But then, who among us hasn't attacked their ranchhands with machetes before dousing them in gasoline? Go ahead, throw the first stone. I defy you.

But we're not here to discuss the past. We're here to focus on the future -- which apparently begins with the past. The Sox addressed their biggest problem - the lack of a closer - by pulling last year's closer Jonathan Papelbon out of the starting rotation and back into the bullpen. Who woulda thunk it? Just because he went 4-2 with 35 saves and a 0.92 ERA last season is no reason to presume he could outshine such luminaries as Joel Pineiro (8-13, 6.36 ERA in 2006), Runelvys Hernandez (15.12 spring ERA) and bonus baby Craig Hansen (15.43 spring ERA... yikes). Go figure.

That settled, the Sox are looking pretty solid. The starting rotation is exceptional: Schilling, Beckett, Matsuzaka, Wakefield, and the violently insane Julian Tavarez (who actually did quite well as a starter last fall) holding the space for a recovering Jon Lester. The bullpen looks decent, and with Papelbon as closer... well, let's just channel Martha Stewart for a second and say together, "It's a good thing."

The lineup, as usual, is scary. Beyond the usual suspects (Papi and Manny) you've got overpaid, injury-ridden but still statistically intriguing JD Drew batting 5th, the speedy and offensively productive (except for... uh... last year) Julio Lugo leading off, solid role players Mike Lowell, non-Greek Greek God of Walks Kevin Youkilis (note: they're not booing.. they're saying "Youk! Youk! Youk!"), Cap'n Jason Varitek, rookie little guy Dustin Pedroia (we'll see how long this lasts), and... uh... Coco Crisp, who seems to be making a lot of people uneasy.

(Shaughnessy, how I hate you. Although the reference to the "Keith Foulke Institute of Public Relations" was pretty damned funny.)

Put it all together, and you've got... well, I guess we'll see what you've got come September. But right now, things look very interesting. And as we look forward to Opening Day next Monday... very interesting isn't a bad place to be.

I can't wait to get started.

Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about my professional life

"If you could play porn music on your didgeridoo, I would be beyond impressed."
-TheCEO

The pragmatic approach

"On those days when you run out of clean underwear... that's where you really see the benefits of the lifestyle."
-Sporty, sharing one of the great joys of lesbianism.

Pater familias

A brief conversation I enjoyed this morning, while dropping the twins off at daycare.

Daycare lady: "I'm jealous of (other daycare lady) -- she was talking about all the free time she has, going out on dates... I think I'm going to have to get rid of my husband."

Me: "It's not being married. It's having kids. That's what kills your ability to have fun."

Daycare lady: (looking warmly at my girls) "But we wouldn't change it for the world, would we?"

Me: (long pause)

Daycare lady: "You don't mean that."

Me: (long pause)

Daycare lady: (stare of death)

Me: "What I'm thinking is that if I sold them off, I could probably finance a really nice vacation."

Daycare lady: (shaking head)

Me: "Do you think I could get more if I sold them off individually, or as a matched set? Because I'm thinking one at a time is the way to go."

Daycare lady: (grabbing twins' hands and walking away)

They hate me at daycare.

In which I reveal myself as a geek

Confession: I love fantasy sports. I do. Ever since I was a kid, I've loved what statistics do (and don't) tell you about sports. I was one of those 9-year olds who inhaled data from the back of cards enriched with cheap chewing gum dust. I breathed it like air. Off the top of my head, I could quote you Jim Rice's HR totals year-by-year, as well as how many total bases he had during his 1978 MVP Season (406 -- matching Ted Williams' average in 1941) and the town in South Carolina where he was born (Anderson).

I was the 10-year old who would happily spend days pouring through the Complete Handbook of Baseball -- and who looked forward to the new edition coming out each year. On the relatively rare occasions when I'd actually get to Fenway Park, my excitement at getting my hands on a program - full of up-to-date stats, facts and figures - almost matched my excitement at being at the game itself.

Even as I grew older and my appreciation for the game (and for other sports) grew and deepened - and as I learned to absorb the subtleties and not-so-subtleties of the subcultures that grow in and around a sport - I never lost that sense of fascination with statistics. I realized that numbers did not define the game, but they were a valuable tool for helping you to analyze and understand it on a deeper level -- and as someone who grew up a Red Sox fan the same way that other people grow up Catholic or Jewish, I treasured that knowledge deeply.

All of which made the rise of online fantasy sports a boon to me. Here, at last, was a way for me to indulge my geekery -- to follow, day-by-day, the rise and fall in the fortunes of dozens of players as defined by trends in their statistical performance. This isn't to say that my longtime interest in the field has allowed me to dominate every league I participate in, but it's enabled me to be competitive. Being competitive empowers me to stay interested. And by staying interested... I keep learning.

The point being: my MLB league held our draft last night. 12-team league, straight roto approach, 3-keeper holdover from the previous season, 22 rounds. It's a league I've been a part of for 4 or 5 years now, and while I only actually know 2 of the other players in person... I've gotta say that our live virtual draft is always one of the most enjoyable nights of my year.

(say it with me now: GEEK!)

I won't bore you with the draft results. But at 11pm last night - an hour when I'm usually sleeping, or holding on to an unhappy small child and desperately wishing I were asleep - I was sitting at my computer, virtually trash talking the other "managers," and feeling impossibly excited by the fact that Adam Wainwright had fallen to the 19th round.

It's a small joy. And probably a stupid and pointless one. But last night, it was mine.

The last thing I remember from a dream I was having right before the third (but not last) time I was awakened by a child last night

"A fucking blimp just hit my fucking house! And I'm not even kidding!"
- The context is a little fuzzy, but I recall I was on a phone looking out a window when I saw a large passenger blimp pull a u-turn in the sky, burst into flames, and then crash into the lawn directly in front of me. Apparently, even in flaming zeppelin dream-state, I felt a need to explain why I was cutting the call short before I hung up.

Sorry. Not sure why I decided to share that.

Love is a Mix Tape

Eleven songs that capture my swerve in action:

1. Eels: Ugly Love
Because as E - your friend and mine - says so beautifully, "My kind of love is an ugly love, but it's real and it lasts a long long time." You can feel free to construe that as either a threat or a promise, but you'll probably find it helpful up front to think of my affection for you as a kind of fungus. A fungus of love.

2. A Flock of Seagulls: Space Age Love Song
Because it is the space age, baby, and me and my big bad Flock of Seagulls haircut are falling ass over teakettle for you. Let that mental image linger for a little bit, and see how much it turns you on.

3. East River Pipe: Shiny, Shiny Pimpmobile
Because when you ride with me, baby, you will ride in comfort and style. I know that when you ponder how I roll, you think of that little powder blue Toyota Tercel that once hauled me up and down I-95. But that was then, baby, and this is now -- and I promise, I will always wrap you in pleather and pimpulation.

4. Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey: I Know You Will
Because, like gravity and oxygen, I will become an elemental force in your life. My pull is inexorable. Do not fight the love.

5. Sea Stories: Wonderful Things
Because that is what life with me is all about, baby: wonderful, wonderful things. And isn't that what you deserve? A day without me is like a day without sunshine.

6. Midsummer: Silent Blue
Because your eyes are as blue as the sea of my love for you is large. Let me say that to you again in French: Tes yeux sont aussi bleus que la mer de mon amour pour toi est grande. Did you like that, baby? From now on, let's speak to each other in the universal language... of love.

7. The Magnetic Fields: Long Vermont Roads
Because I'm not done talking about your eyes, baby. I've been told they are the windows to your soul (or your supersoul, as the case may be). Is that right? Because I'm staring at your windows... and I like what I see.

8. Bill Morrissey: Birches
Because when I look at you, I think forward to a day when we will be old and gray together. Will you still be hot? I sure hope so.

9. Kitchens of Distinction: Come On Now
Because the very thought of you wipes away the grime and drudgery of the world, and I know I do the same for you. I will be your shining beacon of hope. Which is similar but not identical to a bacon of hope, although I realize there are times when nothing offers more hope than bacon. For you, I will be the bacon.

10. The Meeting Places: Love Like The Movies
Because ours will be an epic passion, baby, worthy of immortalization on the silver screen. Who will play you? I hope it's somebody attractive, because it would kind of suck if you were played by someone who wasn't and, as a result, I was repulsed by what I saw onscreen. Don't let that happen, baby.

11. Engineers: Come In Out of the Rain
Because it's time to welcome you to a better place. A brave new world. It's called life with me, baby, and I invite you to settle in and make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink? I have many fine options to choose from. There are also snacks. It is a happy place.

This mix should not be misinterpreted as an actual plea for affection from the imaginary, teeming masses of the interweb, but merely a glimpse into the horrifying world TheWife has decided to make her own.

Ah, romance.

"Speaking of marine iguanas, pork and fuckity fuck fucks, what time does the game start?"

-TheWife, capturing the spirit of a romantic candlelit evening out last Friday.